By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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