So drunk its hurt
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
