my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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