I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize