I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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