During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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