even my farts smell like vagina
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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