God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
