I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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