I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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