Your face is a jimmy john
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
