just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
