Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
