u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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