I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize