on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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