I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
