Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
