Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Drake has all the answers
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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