Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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