Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
