I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
