dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
