if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
