I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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