Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
