Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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