Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
