A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
