you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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