It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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