I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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