I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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