I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
