ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Barsexuality is the new black.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Randomize