I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
