I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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