Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
