i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
