Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
