90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
