They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
