So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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