im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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