you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Randomize
