C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
