we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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