I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
