Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
