if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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