I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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