can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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