Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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