I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
