Tell her she can't have a vagina
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
